For various reasons it’s been a rough week
You know what? Strike that. It hasn’t been a rough week. It’s been a rough year. See, it’s been over a year since I started studying for the second and then the third level of my Certified Equity Professional designation, and it’s been a hard year for my health. I piled stress on stress, and thought I had a stress management plan but didn’t, and started eating junk because I stress eat. That made me feel bad about myself, of course, so I ate more and stopped taking care of myself. That lead to gaining more weight, which made me feel worse, so I ate even more and exercised even less.
Have I said this before? I think I may have, in bits and pieces, but I don’t remember if I laid it out like this before. But in the past, I’d close out with some quick peppy thing about how this time it’s going to be different. This time I just need to have some will power. This time I just need a few more rules, or the right new exercise, or something, and it’ll be all better.
It’s not that easy, is it? It never is.
My wife helped me realize something last week, though. I’d been thinking I was down on myself, possibly even depressed. And I was, but not for the reason I thought. I was angry, because the hard work I’ve done in several areas of my life hasn’t paid off the way I wanted (not yet, at least) and because I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. But I don’t deal well with anger I grew up believing that anger is a bad thing, that I should be afraid of expressing it because it made me a bad person.
Sure, it can. Getting angry and lashing out at people can totally make you a bad person. But anger can also motivate you. Some of the greatest things we’ve achieved – the end if slavery, for example, or women getting the vote, or the Civil Rights Movement – happened because someone got angry about injustice, angry enough to get motivated to try and make a change.
I’m angry. And admitting that has been liberating, because now I understand why I’ve been struggling so much. I turned my frustrations on myself and beat myself up for not being good enough. But I’m worth more than that. My family’s worth more than that.
There’s no miracle cure in this, sadly. I’ve still got struggles ahead of me, bad habits to overcome and all that. It’s hard making changes. But I’m worth more. I’m going to consciously start telling myself that and, slowly but surely, it will begin to sink in.
I’m going to eat a healthy diet: I’m worth that.
I’m going to exercise: I’m worth that.
I’m going to get a good night’s sleep: I’m worth that.
I’m worth the effort I’m putting into changing my life. And I will learn to believe that.