I think I’ve finally figured something out.
For several weeks now, I’ve really been struggling with (and often failing to meet) my goals. And I’ve come up with any number of reasons and possible explanations, but I still haven’t made a whole lot of progress. I’ll hit my walking goal, say, but miss my calorie budget entirely. Or I’ll hit my calorie goals, but I won’t make my exercise goal. And I’ve assumed that life’s gotten in the way, or said that things were crazy that week, or talked about family health making it difficult. But, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think those are the core reasons I’m not hitting my goals.
Oh, they’re valid enough. For the most part. But they’re not the underlying reason. I think the underlying reason is that I’m getting tired. Not physically tired, though. Mentally tired. Emotionally tired. It is hard work keeping up this sort of thing, tracking all of my calories and staying motivated to exercise, and staying on task with my goals. Tons of hard work. And I’ve been at it for more than a year now.
I think I’m rebelling against myself. Part of me is sick and tired of the discipline, and the regimen, and the dedication to changing my behavior and eating healthy. Part of me really just wants to be a couch potato again, to eat ice cream and stop worrying about things. It’s the part of me that says “I’ve lost a hundred and twenty pounds, and that’s a whole lot. Surely I can take a break.” And I don’t really know what to do about that part of me.
Oh, sure, I know the obvious answer: power through, and do it anyway. Don’t give up, and don’t give in. But, like all simple and obvious answers, it is easier said than done. But, hey. At least I recognize the problem, now. And by recognizing it, I can at least start trying to figure out a strategy to deal with the problem. Sadly, I have no stroke of genius at this moment. I just feel tired and apathetic (which is probably a side effect of waking up at midnight and having to fix my breathing mask, then sleeping through my alarm and getting up at 4:10 am to be at work at 5), and I want a double whopper with cheese.
Must think on this over the weekend. There must to be a way to break out of this funk.