Apparently, I’m still getting used to the idea that I’m losing weight. Case in point. I’m in the shower this morning, washing up. And I’m a little tired, because it’s 3:50 am. And as I’m washing my arms, the strangest feeling hits me. “These aren’t my arms,” I find myself thinking. “They’re too skinny.” The same thing with my legs. Then, when I get out of the shower and go to comb my hair, I find myself staring at my face. Or, well, somebody’s face. It can’t be mine. It’s not round enough, and the chin isn’t wobbly enough.
Then I finish waking up, and the feeling goes away. But, at the same time, it lingers on. I don’t look like what I used to look like, and my self-image hasn’t quite caught up with that. In my head I’m still really overweight, and every time I catch sight of myself it startles me. I don’t move with the same sort of lurching, rolling gait when I walk towards a full-length mirror. Heck, nothing looks the same.
This is clearly something I need to come to terms with. Not that I’m upset that I’m changing – far from it, in fact. But the simple fact is that I still think of myself as really, really fat. And that could be a real problem, since I’ve still got more to lose than I’ve already lost (but not for much longer!). I really need to learn to accept the fact that, although I’m not at a healthy weight (yet), I’m a long way from the man I was back in July. Because the disconnect between my mental self-image and the realities in the mirror is just going to get more and more pronounced if I don’t.
Wow. Talk about problems I never thought I’d have to deal with.